"I seen..." is not proper English (even if you're from Kentucky)

Each day, at some point, by someone, in some way, shape or form, I see, hear or read an adult-type person use a sentence with the word "I" followed by the word "seen."  I'm not an English major and I didn't stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I'm pretty sure there is only once sentence that contains those two words in that order that is proper English and it goes something like this...'I seen' has the makings of shitty English.

Whether it's from someone in the office, a complete stranger at Wally World, or something I read on Facebook (Evansville Watch is hilarious, especially on the weekends), this seems to come up daily.  I just cringe when I hear it.

The problem starts at school.  Hayden is now a 3rd grader.  He wastes a lot of time at home studying for tests in Science (who cares what soil is made up of) and Social Studies (does anyone care that Portugal, Spain, France and England were the first to send explorers west).  Even in Math, he wastes a lot of time learning about shit that just doesn't matter at his age.  Kids his age should spend all day (ALL freaking day) learning how to add, subtract, multiply and divide, and how to speak gooder English.  

In his Grammar class, he's learning about irregular verbs, which I'm all in favor of (though if you just listen to most people or watch reality TV, you'd think those were actually regular verbs).  However, in Math he's moved on from adding, subtracting and multiplying, to learning about right triangles, isosceles triangles and scalene triangles, polygons, lines segments and rays, and a whole bunch of other shit that he'll never use.  

He's too young to give a rat's ass about why a rhombus is different from a rectangle or what you call a triangle with two sides that are the same length.  Being a CPA, I've been involved in math on a heavy duty basis for over 20 years and I've never had a discussion with my boss, an IRS auditor or our outside accountant about how a square is actually not only a square, but a rectangle and a rhombus as well.  

I suggest school officials (it's not the teachers' fault, they're forced to teach shit that doesn't matter) get their heads out of their asses before we fall even farther behind the rest of the world.  For the first five or six grades, kids should have math (real math, stuff with numbers, not this shit with shapes) and proper English (no Ebonics or Redneck-speak, and if you want to speak Spanish, move to Mexico) literally beaten into them.  By the time they reach the upper grades, they'll have mastered basic math and English and should be prepared for the more abstract concepts of pentagons and rhombi.  

It's a shame I spend what I spend to send Hayden to a good school so he can learn shit that's only important if you end up on Jeopardy.  

Boys and their toys

No, not those toys, get your minds out of the gutter.  Actually it's more about kids these days and their toys.  When I was kid, our toys consisted of a bike; a ball, bat and glove; a dump truck; and a basketball.  We had three channels on TV, plus PBS which almost doesn't count.  And yes, we had to walk to school uphill in both directions.

Now, kids are weak, soft.  They don't know how good they've got it.  There's new technology coming out seemingly everyday, shit that just years ago we couldn't even imagine.

Last year, Hayden got a Kindle Fire for either his birthday or Christmas (both events are within a couple days of each other so I never remember whether I got him something or Santa did).  He was 8 at the time and had more technology in his little hands than NASA used to put someone on the moon.  This year, Jennifer somehow won and Apple iPod and decided that would make a great birthday gift.

Before his birthday, she charged it and downloaded all the games he liked to play when he commandeers her phone.  To say the least, it was a hit.

Over the past couple years, Hayden has used the land line phone at home like any other person.  He's been known to call Grandma and set up dates without us knowing about it and is very at ease talking on the phone.  Now, with his iPod, he uses Facetime or Skype to have video calls with family members....all...day...long.  On the weekends, he's literally got the iPod in his hands all the time.  He recently went to a hockey game with Grandma and Grandpa and had to take it, "in case I get any calls."  Ask him about it, he'll tell you, "that's how I roll."

A couple days ago he and I were working on math and I wasn't pleased with his progress.  I told him no more Skype or Facetime til he learned some basic math skills, that were up to my standards.  You would have thought I'd just run over his puppy.

Yesterday was the first day of this corporal punishment (at least in his eyes).  I told him he could use his Kindle for the math game that's on it, but nothing else.  That grew old quick.  One of his grandmas recently had eye surgery and he wanted to check on her, so he grabbed the iPod.  I told him that's not how it worked and that if he wanted to talk to Grandma, he needed to call her on the phone.

Again, you would have thought I'd just run over his other puppy.  "NO," he screamed, "NOT THE TELEPHONE!!!"  Like it was some old technology like actually mailing a letter.  I just laughed at him for how rough he's got it. 

Kids, they just don't realize how good they've got it. 

Proving a point but falling on deaf ears

I'm annoyed by many of life's little pleasures, but one of the things that pisses me off the most is when I'm trying to make a point, but the person my point is directed at doesn't get it.  Most of the time when I'm trying to make a point, it involves me behind the steering wheel.  I fully admit to having road rage.

A couple weeks ago, I was driving home, in the slow lane, minding my own business as I passed a few cars hogging the fast lane.  I wasn't driving like an idiot, doing maybe 53 in a 45.  For the most part, I do a good job of frequently checking both my side mirrors and my rear view mirror to see if anyone is trying to kill me.  I must have been having an off moment on this occasion, because I took a peak in the rear view mirror and saw some guy riding my ass pretty good.

This doesn't bother me.  I've got a master's degree in the Gran Turismo series on PlayStation.  Over the last ten years, I've logged hundreds of thousands of miles racing against both the computer-controlled cars, as well as my friends online.  While there is no likelihood of death in an online race with my friends, you still get used to guys riding your ass, swerving in front of you, and doing the same to them.

So, as I'm driving home, I see this guy riding my tail and I sped up a bit to get by the rest of the cars in the fast lane so the guy behind me, obviously in a hurry, could get to where he's going.  Yeah, that's just the kind of guy I am, always trying help a brother out.  The guy passed me and I figured since he was speeding, I'd just tag along so as soon as he got by me, I pulled right behind him.  I wasn't tailgating (tailgating doesn't happen til you can't see the license plate of the car in front of you) and I wasn't trying to prove a point, I was merely doing my part to keep the environment clean by burning less gas...I was drafting to save fuel.

Apparently, this guy didn't mind tailgating, but he did mind being tailgated.  The second I got behind him, he hit the brakes.  It's a puss move, even in online racing with my friends it's frowned upon (called 'brake checking').  I expected more from the guy.

Ok, fast forward to the other day.  I'm in the turn lane trying to turn left and I'm second in line.  The left arrow turns green and the guy in front of me pulls out and turns left.  I follow to do the same, but some dumb whore in an SUV is coming at me in the opposite direction, turning right.  I've got the green arrow, and she never even slowed down, pulling right out in front of me.

"Hmmm," I thought to myself, "time to prove a point."  I got on this lady's ass and never left it.  It was some of my most impressive tailgating, even to the point that I'm not sure I didn't hit her a couple times.  But this lady was tough, she never sped up, never slowed down, never gave me the finger, nothing.

I was amazed at her composure.  At the next light, I pulled up beside her in the other lane and realized why she never flinched.  She was talking on her cell phone and probably never noticed me, either when she pulled out in front of me or when I was ass-raping her down the street.  I think that pissed me off even more.

Just this past weekend, we made a family gathering to the pet store.  As we left PetSmart and drove past Wally World, some old shitbag driving a honey of an old Buick pulled right out in front of me, never even slowing as he left the Wally World parking lot.  I looked behind me and there was no one, meaning all this ass hat had to do was wait another 3 seconds and I'd have been by, but I guess he had places to be and people to see.

I don't use the horn in the car much, but I felt I should test it to see if it still worked.  The horn worked, worked fine, and worked til my wife started yelling at me.  Then, the ass hat in the old beater Buick gave me the bird.

Yeah, this fuckball pulled right out in front of me, my wife, 9-year old and 8 brand new fish, and I'm the one who gets flipped off.

I was fully prepared to show Hayden how to handle such an instance, but Jennifer kept yelling at me.  I tried to show Hayden how to tailgate, and I got yelled at.  I tried to keep up foreign relations (Top Gun plug), using both fingers, and I got yelled at.  For the most part, I got yelled at the whole way home, and I'm the one who did nothing wrong.

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to try to prove a point.