I don't have a lot of time because I'm stuck in the trenches and the internet reception isn't great in times of war. That said, I wanted everyone to know that Operation: Fat Bastard is still a go. Lately, we've gone dark, avoiding communications of all sorts, but in the background, the guys have been working some covert operations. Like Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop II, we've gone deep undercover...like Double Secret Probation-type deep undercover.
The recent Fall Festival was but a flesh wound of a set back in our desire to shed some lbs. Dr. Thickfinger doubling my happy pill intake hasn't exactly helped the lbs drop either. With these two recent set backs, I hit a rotund 195 pounds on October 21. Yes, it was impressive, borderline spectacular. But that was the final straw.
As a unit, our guys regrouped and planned a different method of attack. We decided the best course of action was to continue moving forward with baby steps on the dreadmill, but we also decided on some counter measures reserved for just this sort of battle.
Since the previous Monday (10/21), with the exception of the weekends, I've been on a diet. Yes, a diet. During the weekdays, I've eaten nothing but milk shakes, candy bars, pumpkin bagels with cream cheese, potato chips and mini bell peppers...with the occasional meal of spaghetti or a burger thrown in for good measure.
It's not as bad as it sounds. The milk shakes are my homemade protein drinks. The candy bars are my protein bars. The bagels are just what you'd expect, as are the chips and the peppers. Really, they're my favorite things to eat, so I look forward to it.
I start each day with a protein smoothie and a bagel. I snack on a protein bar if I get hungry. After I pick up Hayden from school, before we start on homework, he and I both wolf down some potato chips. For dinner I have another protein smoothie and another bagel. Later in the evening, I'll put a hurtin' on the mini bells peppers (those things are like candy to me) if I get hungry. Editor's note: since I picked up some Halloween candy at the store this past weekend, I've noticed I might have a few pieces to kill a sweet tooth before brushing my toofers.
This 'diet' keeps me full, and has like 1 calorie. I've been trying to jog a mile in the mornings and again in the evenings, but I've found I'm only doing it in the mornings because I'm about to fall asleep after working on homework with Hayden...fourth grade is SOOOOO boring.
Anyway, the previous Monday I almost broke the scale at 195.0 pounds. This morning, the damned thing would only go up to 189.2. Operation: Fat Bastard is in the Shock and Awe stage right now, I can't wait to see what happens next.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013
War tactics update
Operation: Fat Bastard is still in effect. The soldiers took liberty for a four-day holiday weekend, but aside from that, operations are still in motion.
A couple Tuesdays ago, O:FB commenced with Plyometrics, part of the P90X routine. That day ended with serious casualties as my legs didn't work very well the rest of the day and into the evening. In addition, my lungs and heart wanted no further part of it. I ended the week by flanking Plyometrics with Cardio X (from the same P90X program) and some hours on my road bike, propped up on a stand in the middle of the kitchen. Yes, all kitchens should have a nice mounted bike in the middle of them.
As the troops were just starting to make progress, they were granted leave for the holiday. Bike riding was still part of the equation, but little else was, unless you consider snifter and fishbowl curls part of the plan. Needless to say, there was a lot of that activity taking place. If there was any progress made by the time leave ended, it was negligible and likely, we did some retreating.
On Tuesday of this week, another round of Plyometrics took place, and my legs handled it very well. My lungs and heart are still on strike, however. I was gassed early on, and I think it was mostly because this happened after a 4-day holiday weekend. So, while I finished and my lower body feels better about it, the MPs are keeping an eye on my upper body for war crimes.
Yesterday and this morning I did more Cardio X. It's been a struggle, mostly due to the strike of my lungs and heart. It's probably good that my heart rate monitor needs a new battery, because it would be beeping the whole time (it beeps when your heart rates closes in on death). Fortunately, with the bad battery, there is no beeping so I carry on. The way I see it, I'm either going to die because my heart explodes or my heart is going to get with the program and O:FB will grow easier. It's a win-win as far as I'm concerned.
I'm trying to work on a second round of strikes each day because working out twice a day has always worked well for me in the past, but have currently been unable to do so. As of yet, I don't see much progress on the scale or in that my clothes fit better, but it's early and my body is still getting used to the trauma, plus I seem to weigh myself at different times each day, which doesn't allow for a good apples to apples comparison.
The troops really need to start progressing because football season starts tonight, the days are getting shorter, and the Fall Festival is in like 5 weeks. If enemy forces continue to withstand O:FB, I may see the scale reading 2-large before long.
A couple Tuesdays ago, O:FB commenced with Plyometrics, part of the P90X routine. That day ended with serious casualties as my legs didn't work very well the rest of the day and into the evening. In addition, my lungs and heart wanted no further part of it. I ended the week by flanking Plyometrics with Cardio X (from the same P90X program) and some hours on my road bike, propped up on a stand in the middle of the kitchen. Yes, all kitchens should have a nice mounted bike in the middle of them.
As the troops were just starting to make progress, they were granted leave for the holiday. Bike riding was still part of the equation, but little else was, unless you consider snifter and fishbowl curls part of the plan. Needless to say, there was a lot of that activity taking place. If there was any progress made by the time leave ended, it was negligible and likely, we did some retreating.
On Tuesday of this week, another round of Plyometrics took place, and my legs handled it very well. My lungs and heart are still on strike, however. I was gassed early on, and I think it was mostly because this happened after a 4-day holiday weekend. So, while I finished and my lower body feels better about it, the MPs are keeping an eye on my upper body for war crimes.
Yesterday and this morning I did more Cardio X. It's been a struggle, mostly due to the strike of my lungs and heart. It's probably good that my heart rate monitor needs a new battery, because it would be beeping the whole time (it beeps when your heart rates closes in on death). Fortunately, with the bad battery, there is no beeping so I carry on. The way I see it, I'm either going to die because my heart explodes or my heart is going to get with the program and O:FB will grow easier. It's a win-win as far as I'm concerned.
I'm trying to work on a second round of strikes each day because working out twice a day has always worked well for me in the past, but have currently been unable to do so. As of yet, I don't see much progress on the scale or in that my clothes fit better, but it's early and my body is still getting used to the trauma, plus I seem to weigh myself at different times each day, which doesn't allow for a good apples to apples comparison.
The troops really need to start progressing because football season starts tonight, the days are getting shorter, and the Fall Festival is in like 5 weeks. If enemy forces continue to withstand O:FB, I may see the scale reading 2-large before long.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
A glutton
As the day wore on yesterday, my body grew tighter and tighter. Not so much sore, though I could feel aches in a few spots, just 'tight.' After I picked up Hayden from school and worked with him on his homework, I decided on a great way to loosen up. I put in the Cardio X disc and had another round.
In addition to the cat and the dog helping (stretching to downward dog with a cat's fluffy tail in your sweaty face is a real treat), I had the assistance of an almost 10-year old helping me along the way by informing me how easy each move was by demonstrating the exact worst posture for each position. However, after I showed Hayden the proper form (or at least better form) and he realized how much Yoga sucks, he soon found respite on the couch with the dog.
All the stretching moves were a bit easier than hours before, though the aches grew worse. I was sweating just as much as previously and acknowledged that was just weakness leaving the body. Along with the weakness leaving the body were roughly 550 calories, according to the P90X Calories Burned Calculator. Being that I did that twice yesterday, that's 1100 calories that had their asses handed to them. But I was spent. I yawned most of the night before heading off to bed a bit earlier than normal.
My intent was to do something this morning before heading into the office as working out once in the morning and again later in the day has historically provided me with the best results. Instead, my body was dead and getting out of bed sucked ass. My legs were shot. My left foot hurt. Even my arms were sore from throwing punches during the Kenpo portion of the Cardio X workout.
I'm sitting in my office right now, and my legs and arms are still slightly sore, but only when I move. Being a warrior has its drawbacks and not listening to your body is one of them. While a sore body isn't any fun, it's nice to know I'm making progress, even if it is early and I have no tangible results to show for it (I still look like shit).
Hayden is off school tomorrow and I'm staying home to watch him, so my four day weekend starts in a couple hours. I'm eager to see what kind of pain I can cause myself when I get home.
In addition to the cat and the dog helping (stretching to downward dog with a cat's fluffy tail in your sweaty face is a real treat), I had the assistance of an almost 10-year old helping me along the way by informing me how easy each move was by demonstrating the exact worst posture for each position. However, after I showed Hayden the proper form (or at least better form) and he realized how much Yoga sucks, he soon found respite on the couch with the dog.
All the stretching moves were a bit easier than hours before, though the aches grew worse. I was sweating just as much as previously and acknowledged that was just weakness leaving the body. Along with the weakness leaving the body were roughly 550 calories, according to the P90X Calories Burned Calculator. Being that I did that twice yesterday, that's 1100 calories that had their asses handed to them. But I was spent. I yawned most of the night before heading off to bed a bit earlier than normal.
My intent was to do something this morning before heading into the office as working out once in the morning and again later in the day has historically provided me with the best results. Instead, my body was dead and getting out of bed sucked ass. My legs were shot. My left foot hurt. Even my arms were sore from throwing punches during the Kenpo portion of the Cardio X workout.
I'm sitting in my office right now, and my legs and arms are still slightly sore, but only when I move. Being a warrior has its drawbacks and not listening to your body is one of them. While a sore body isn't any fun, it's nice to know I'm making progress, even if it is early and I have no tangible results to show for it (I still look like shit).
Hayden is off school tomorrow and I'm staying home to watch him, so my four day weekend starts in a couple hours. I'm eager to see what kind of pain I can cause myself when I get home.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Not sure where to start
I can sum up yesterday in two words...it sucked. My back, shoulders and neck hurt until late evening. I popped pills all day long so I could still move. And the anxiety of what the next day brought didn't inspire me much.
This morning started with tired quads, sore hammies, and tight calves. Fortunately, the upper body aches were only barely noticeable. Getting out of bed proved easier than I expected, but the trip down the stairs showed things weren't as peachy as I thought. With each step down, I felt fire in my hamstrings and fatigue in my quads. I realized there was no way I could do another round of Plyometrics without a day or two of rest in between. Instead, I opted for the Cardio X workout.
Cardio X is just what it sounds like. You warm up with some Yoga exercises to stretch, move on to Kenpo (a basic form of Karate with mild kicks and punches) to get the body warmed up, then really start to burn calories with a combination of Plyometrics and other cardio and core exercises.
It's been a while since I'd done this disc and I forgot some of the exercises, and one other thing. At the start of the disc it tells you to have a heart rate monitor, water and towel, yoga mat, etc. Seeing 'water and towel' I expected there to be short water breaks in between some of the exercises. Not so much.
Starting off with the yoga showed just how tired my quads were. My body shook during runners pose and the 2-3 warrior poses. I continually lost my balance, but had both a cat and a dog right at my feet to catch any falls. The yoga in P90X is different than any of the yoga I've seen on TV. The poses I've seen on TV usually require you to hold the position for 10-15 seconds. In Yoga X, you're looking at holding poses for 45-90 seconds. It's brutal, and that's just the stretching part of the Cardio X routine.
By the time the yoga portion was done, I was covered in sweat and dying for that first break. Don't hold your breath because it's not there.
The Kenpo is kind of cheesy, but does warm your body and during this series of exercises, the sweat was flowing freely. Like I said, kind of cheesy, but sort of neat at the same time.
I could have done without the Plyometrics moves today, but they were fairly low impact, so I went with it. Actually, after yesterday, it was a blessing to only perform a handful of these moves. I breezed through them, sweating profusely the whole way til we got to the more cardio-based moves, at which point I really expected a water break. Still didn't happen.
So, I paused the damned disc and made my own water break. The Citrus Cooler Gatorade never tasted so good. I toweled off and headed into the home stretch of exercises aimed at seeing if I could induce a heart attack with some cardio/core exercises.
There are two in particular that are kind of fun, but simply shred your body, especially if you're in shitty shape like me. The first is called Steam Engines. If I remember right, you do this for something like a minute and twenty seconds. It starts off fun, then it just hurts.
Watch below in this video:
The brother in this video is holding his head a little low, the P90X guy would want it a little higher, but try this for 80 or 90 seconds and see what it feels like.
Another exercise that starts off wacky and cute is called Wacky Jacks. They take a while to get a feel for and you usually do them wrong the first couple times you do the disc, but you eventually get it...and holy crap does it burn. Watch this chick below:
It was somewhere during the Wacky Jacks where my lungs caught fire and I had not only sweat, but tears rolling down my face. And after this crazy series of moves, did we get a water break??? Hell no, it was time for a 5-minute cool down to end the program.
When I stretched my legs, I heard things pop in three different places. Fortunately, I didn't feel anything pop because I was number by then. Not sure what it was, but I can't imagine it's good. I limped into the kitchen for some more Gatorade, then crawled up the stairs to the shower. In the shower I couldn't distinguish the water from the sweat from the tears.
Now a couple hours later I'm at work and I can't feel anything below my waist. Well, I can feel one thing, but nothing below that. Everything is tight and sore, but nothing hurts...unless I move.
I didn't get on the scale today because I expected it to be higher than yesterday. Anytime you start some sort of cardio program, your body overreacts into thinking you're going to die so it stores up excess water so you don't dehydrate and you end up weighing more than the day you started, so I'll wait til the end of the weekend and see what I weigh.
There's so much sore in my lower body right now, that it won't all fit and it's radiating up into my butt muscles. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
This morning started with tired quads, sore hammies, and tight calves. Fortunately, the upper body aches were only barely noticeable. Getting out of bed proved easier than I expected, but the trip down the stairs showed things weren't as peachy as I thought. With each step down, I felt fire in my hamstrings and fatigue in my quads. I realized there was no way I could do another round of Plyometrics without a day or two of rest in between. Instead, I opted for the Cardio X workout.
Cardio X is just what it sounds like. You warm up with some Yoga exercises to stretch, move on to Kenpo (a basic form of Karate with mild kicks and punches) to get the body warmed up, then really start to burn calories with a combination of Plyometrics and other cardio and core exercises.
It's been a while since I'd done this disc and I forgot some of the exercises, and one other thing. At the start of the disc it tells you to have a heart rate monitor, water and towel, yoga mat, etc. Seeing 'water and towel' I expected there to be short water breaks in between some of the exercises. Not so much.
Starting off with the yoga showed just how tired my quads were. My body shook during runners pose and the 2-3 warrior poses. I continually lost my balance, but had both a cat and a dog right at my feet to catch any falls. The yoga in P90X is different than any of the yoga I've seen on TV. The poses I've seen on TV usually require you to hold the position for 10-15 seconds. In Yoga X, you're looking at holding poses for 45-90 seconds. It's brutal, and that's just the stretching part of the Cardio X routine.
By the time the yoga portion was done, I was covered in sweat and dying for that first break. Don't hold your breath because it's not there.
The Kenpo is kind of cheesy, but does warm your body and during this series of exercises, the sweat was flowing freely. Like I said, kind of cheesy, but sort of neat at the same time.
I could have done without the Plyometrics moves today, but they were fairly low impact, so I went with it. Actually, after yesterday, it was a blessing to only perform a handful of these moves. I breezed through them, sweating profusely the whole way til we got to the more cardio-based moves, at which point I really expected a water break. Still didn't happen.
So, I paused the damned disc and made my own water break. The Citrus Cooler Gatorade never tasted so good. I toweled off and headed into the home stretch of exercises aimed at seeing if I could induce a heart attack with some cardio/core exercises.
There are two in particular that are kind of fun, but simply shred your body, especially if you're in shitty shape like me. The first is called Steam Engines. If I remember right, you do this for something like a minute and twenty seconds. It starts off fun, then it just hurts.
Watch below in this video:
The brother in this video is holding his head a little low, the P90X guy would want it a little higher, but try this for 80 or 90 seconds and see what it feels like.
Another exercise that starts off wacky and cute is called Wacky Jacks. They take a while to get a feel for and you usually do them wrong the first couple times you do the disc, but you eventually get it...and holy crap does it burn. Watch this chick below:
It was somewhere during the Wacky Jacks where my lungs caught fire and I had not only sweat, but tears rolling down my face. And after this crazy series of moves, did we get a water break??? Hell no, it was time for a 5-minute cool down to end the program.
When I stretched my legs, I heard things pop in three different places. Fortunately, I didn't feel anything pop because I was number by then. Not sure what it was, but I can't imagine it's good. I limped into the kitchen for some more Gatorade, then crawled up the stairs to the shower. In the shower I couldn't distinguish the water from the sweat from the tears.
Now a couple hours later I'm at work and I can't feel anything below my waist. Well, I can feel one thing, but nothing below that. Everything is tight and sore, but nothing hurts...unless I move.
I didn't get on the scale today because I expected it to be higher than yesterday. Anytime you start some sort of cardio program, your body overreacts into thinking you're going to die so it stores up excess water so you don't dehydrate and you end up weighing more than the day you started, so I'll wait til the end of the weekend and see what I weigh.
There's so much sore in my lower body right now, that it won't all fit and it's radiating up into my butt muscles. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Operation: Fat Bastard revisited
As I explained on Facebook yesterday, I'm really fat. I've got a nice set of hooters that a 5th grade girl would be proud of and I can barely see my gentlemen's region when I take a whiz. Plus, most of my britches don't fit, except for the ones with an elastic waist band. It's getting to the point that I'm considering asking my wife if she has any of her maternity clothes left over. She had this sweet pair of jeans with the elastic thing in the front.
Yesterday, at my heaviest, I tipped the scales at 194.8. Granted, that was right after breakfast, but still, that's 10-15 pounds (at a minimum) more than I need to be. Sure, the happy pills are supposed to make me gain weight but not like this.
Last night I ate a sensible meal. Instead of treating dinner at home like a buffet (admit it, when you eat at home, it's always "all you can eat" as you eat til you're full), I had a normal sized plate of some crap I had left over and then just a handful of tropical trail mix a couple times before bed. I never was hungry, but I never felt bloated and miserable either.
I don't do diets and I'm not cutting out my weekend of beer tastings. What I can do is cut out things I don't care much about. Going back 6 or 7 years, all I drink is water, beer, or A&W Root Beer. The root beer has 170 calories...that's pound and a half a month right there. So, no dieting, which just leaves exercise as a way to shed lbs.
Riding my bike is very enjoyable for me, but it doesn't develop much muscle. Jogging on the dreadmill is a last resort because it's so boring and running in the neighborhood bores me as well. There's a disc in the P90X series called Plyometrics that I wanted to try again. Plyometrics is simply jump training. It doesn't sound like much and at face value, it's really not.
The chick in this video is doing every exercise in the program in a condensed 90 seconds. You stretch for 10 minutes or so in the beginning and then again for about 5 minutes at the end. The disc is an hour or so long, so you're doing this for 45 minutes. Again, cute little jumps for 45 minutes easy...then you try it.
It's been two years since I've done this. OMG!!!
I worked up a little sweat simply finding the right pair of shoes (you really need a good shoe for this or you'll be crying in no time). By the end of the 10 minute warm up/stretching bit, I was drenched in sweat and ready to call it a day. Then I looked in the mirror on the wall and saw what appeared to be a really ugly lady about 6 months into her pregnancy. I kept going.
You do the first, second and third exercise for 30 seconds each. You do the fourth exercise for 60 seconds. Then you repeat the entire sequence. A 25 second break follows. Then you do the fifth, sixth and seventh exercises for 30 seconds followed by the eighth exercise for 60 seconds and then you repeat the fifth through the eighth exercises again. You continue through the five or six sets of exercises.
Normally I wear a heart rate monitor that beeps when I start to go into cardiac arrest. Because I haven't done Plyometrics in so long, my battery was dead, which I should have taken as a sign. But, I'm a warrior, so I went for it without a warning device for when my heart was about to explode.
After the first couple exercises, I was even more drenched than after the warm up period. With each jump, sweat went flying. It wasn't pretty. I almost fell twice during the program, but fortunately, the fireplace caught me. The dog was laying on the couch trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
It was something else and much harder than I remembered it, though I was carrying about a dozen extra pounds. I started the program this morning at 193.2 pounds and ended it at 191.2. It was a struggle to get upstairs and into the shower because my legs were shot.
I took off my shoes and threw them into the closet. I took off my left sock and threw it onto the floor while I started to take off the right sock. In the process of removing the right sock, I noticed the left sock get up and run away. After the right sock was off, I had to chase both those little sock bastards around the room with legs that were all but worn out.
Tuesdays are easy mornings for me because I don't go into the office until noon or so. I have plenty of time to do Plyometrics, cry about it afterwards, and limp to work. I'm not sure whether this is something I want to do everyday or if I'm even able or supposed to do something like this everyday.
With all the jumping and lunges and stuff, my back and shoulders are already starting to ache because when 190ish pounds hits the ground on a frame made to carry less than 180 pounds, something has to give and it seems it was my body.
Oh well, I'm still breathing.
Yesterday, at my heaviest, I tipped the scales at 194.8. Granted, that was right after breakfast, but still, that's 10-15 pounds (at a minimum) more than I need to be. Sure, the happy pills are supposed to make me gain weight but not like this.
Last night I ate a sensible meal. Instead of treating dinner at home like a buffet (admit it, when you eat at home, it's always "all you can eat" as you eat til you're full), I had a normal sized plate of some crap I had left over and then just a handful of tropical trail mix a couple times before bed. I never was hungry, but I never felt bloated and miserable either.
I don't do diets and I'm not cutting out my weekend of beer tastings. What I can do is cut out things I don't care much about. Going back 6 or 7 years, all I drink is water, beer, or A&W Root Beer. The root beer has 170 calories...that's pound and a half a month right there. So, no dieting, which just leaves exercise as a way to shed lbs.
Riding my bike is very enjoyable for me, but it doesn't develop much muscle. Jogging on the dreadmill is a last resort because it's so boring and running in the neighborhood bores me as well. There's a disc in the P90X series called Plyometrics that I wanted to try again. Plyometrics is simply jump training. It doesn't sound like much and at face value, it's really not.
The chick in this video is doing every exercise in the program in a condensed 90 seconds. You stretch for 10 minutes or so in the beginning and then again for about 5 minutes at the end. The disc is an hour or so long, so you're doing this for 45 minutes. Again, cute little jumps for 45 minutes easy...then you try it.
It's been two years since I've done this. OMG!!!
I worked up a little sweat simply finding the right pair of shoes (you really need a good shoe for this or you'll be crying in no time). By the end of the 10 minute warm up/stretching bit, I was drenched in sweat and ready to call it a day. Then I looked in the mirror on the wall and saw what appeared to be a really ugly lady about 6 months into her pregnancy. I kept going.
You do the first, second and third exercise for 30 seconds each. You do the fourth exercise for 60 seconds. Then you repeat the entire sequence. A 25 second break follows. Then you do the fifth, sixth and seventh exercises for 30 seconds followed by the eighth exercise for 60 seconds and then you repeat the fifth through the eighth exercises again. You continue through the five or six sets of exercises.
Normally I wear a heart rate monitor that beeps when I start to go into cardiac arrest. Because I haven't done Plyometrics in so long, my battery was dead, which I should have taken as a sign. But, I'm a warrior, so I went for it without a warning device for when my heart was about to explode.
After the first couple exercises, I was even more drenched than after the warm up period. With each jump, sweat went flying. It wasn't pretty. I almost fell twice during the program, but fortunately, the fireplace caught me. The dog was laying on the couch trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
It was something else and much harder than I remembered it, though I was carrying about a dozen extra pounds. I started the program this morning at 193.2 pounds and ended it at 191.2. It was a struggle to get upstairs and into the shower because my legs were shot.
I took off my shoes and threw them into the closet. I took off my left sock and threw it onto the floor while I started to take off the right sock. In the process of removing the right sock, I noticed the left sock get up and run away. After the right sock was off, I had to chase both those little sock bastards around the room with legs that were all but worn out.
Tuesdays are easy mornings for me because I don't go into the office until noon or so. I have plenty of time to do Plyometrics, cry about it afterwards, and limp to work. I'm not sure whether this is something I want to do everyday or if I'm even able or supposed to do something like this everyday.
With all the jumping and lunges and stuff, my back and shoulders are already starting to ache because when 190ish pounds hits the ground on a frame made to carry less than 180 pounds, something has to give and it seems it was my body.
Oh well, I'm still breathing.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Happy Pills--Day 4-ish
Into my fourth day of happy pills and the drowsiness side effect is a myth. I'm staying up a bit later each night because I'm simply not tired. Eventually it just gets late and I head off to bed. At that point, I'm falling asleep pretty easily, so maybe the side effect should be 'helps you sleep' instead of 'drowsiness.' (However, each day it's getting harder to get out of bed).
After sleeping well for a few hours, there's still always something that wakes me and I'm struggling to fall back to sleep. We have a poltergeist in our house. This poltergeist causes a variety of problems; one of which is that something is always in need of repair. As soon as we fix something, something bigger and more expensive falls ill and needs to be looked at. I've somewhat resolved that by just leaving a few things broken. However, another problem from the poltergeist is that when someone is using one of the five phones in the house, the alarm clock starts making a God-awful staticy sound.
I'm not sure what was going on this morning, but just before 6 AM that damned clock starting making a crazy sound. Pushing the snooze button did nothing. So I gave it a gentle toss across the room. Seriously, had I not been on happy pills, I'd have chucked the clock into the wall as hard as I could, but since I'm more mature and mellow now, I gently tossed it aside.
But in an effort to test my new happy pills, the clock mocked me by continuing it's annoying song. Being that I'm more mature and mellow now, instead of getting out of bed and making sure the clock never sang again, I merely unplugged it. I didn't get the impression my lovely wife appreciated my newfound maturity, but it's better than how I normally would have handled it.
The poison oak I lost a battle with the other day is becoming increasingly annoying. I'm jonesing to take a hair brush and just start scratching my arm. Also, I've got a couple weird looking spots on my legs that look different than my arms. I thought they were just cuts from the branches, but they're starting to itch as well. Fortunately, the happy pills have matured me beyond belief so no worries.
After sleeping well for a few hours, there's still always something that wakes me and I'm struggling to fall back to sleep. We have a poltergeist in our house. This poltergeist causes a variety of problems; one of which is that something is always in need of repair. As soon as we fix something, something bigger and more expensive falls ill and needs to be looked at. I've somewhat resolved that by just leaving a few things broken. However, another problem from the poltergeist is that when someone is using one of the five phones in the house, the alarm clock starts making a God-awful staticy sound.
I'm not sure what was going on this morning, but just before 6 AM that damned clock starting making a crazy sound. Pushing the snooze button did nothing. So I gave it a gentle toss across the room. Seriously, had I not been on happy pills, I'd have chucked the clock into the wall as hard as I could, but since I'm more mature and mellow now, I gently tossed it aside.
But in an effort to test my new happy pills, the clock mocked me by continuing it's annoying song. Being that I'm more mature and mellow now, instead of getting out of bed and making sure the clock never sang again, I merely unplugged it. I didn't get the impression my lovely wife appreciated my newfound maturity, but it's better than how I normally would have handled it.
The poison oak I lost a battle with the other day is becoming increasingly annoying. I'm jonesing to take a hair brush and just start scratching my arm. Also, I've got a couple weird looking spots on my legs that look different than my arms. I thought they were just cuts from the branches, but they're starting to itch as well. Fortunately, the happy pills have matured me beyond belief so no worries.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Happy Pills--Day 3-ish
In just over two and a half days, I'm not sure my pleasant attitude is changing, but I'm seeing bits and pieces of the side effects. The drowsiness is a myth. Last night I don't even remember yawning and when I got in bed at 12:30, I was pretty much wide awake. Fortunately, I turned the TV to a cycling event and was asleep in no time.
I'm still dragging ass in the mornings. Once I wake up, it's really hard to fall back asleep so I just toss and turn and think of all the shit I need to do. I'm pretty sure the happy pills are supposed to combat that, but right now, the anxiety is winning the battle. Sometimes I do fall back asleep, but them I'm just wasted when I get up.
My temperament I think is improving. Last night I should have killed Hayden a couple times, but I kept my hands to myself, and don't even recall yelling. I might have raised my voice, but no yelling and no beating. Baby steps.
Later in the evening, there was another f-bomb or two that flew out of my mouth, but again, not from anger. I was more scared than anything. I'm not sure what I was doing, but in the master bathroom area, I heard this sound, it can only be described as some guy motor-boating his large chested lady friend. I looked around and my wife was across the room and fully clothed, so that wasn't it. I searched for the sound and saw this wasp that was the size of a large bird and had markings like freaking Darth Maul from the Star Wars movie.
When he flapped his wings, the house shook. He was up by a light bulb and I really thought he was going to break it with those large wings of his. I took a towel and tried to beat his ass with it, but the towel just bounced off. One time I caught him off guard and took his big ass down to the ground. At this point, Porter the cat came in to help. I tried to get her out of the way because I was afraid this waspadactyl would carry her off for a late meal. Jennifer kept yelling at me to just grab it, but it was bigger than I was so I just ran around the room trying to protect myself.
Eventually I landed a few more blows with the towel and stunned him. I grabbed a Kleenex and went in for the kill. I had him but he came out of his funk and tried to fly away. My whole hand shook as he broke free. Again, I ran around the room screaming like a little girl trying to save myself, leaving the cat and my wife to fend for themselves. Apparently, another side effect of the happy pills is self-preservation.
Finally I grew tired of Jennifer (hiding under the covers) yelling at me to grow a pair and kill the thing. I went at the thing one more time, beating anything that moved with the towel. Finally I subdued this waspadactyl beast and sent him to a watery grave in the toilet. The waspadactyl had the last laugh, however, as after flushing, the can was partially stopped up.
It should be noted that despite my happy pills, I was dropping f-bombs during this intense battle for life. I'm not proud of it, but I had to defend my man-card in front of my wife and cat.
I'm at work now and despite passing new road construction on North Green River Road (isn't this basically a new road that took 4 years to finish), I don't recall any road rage...even when I passed the dead guy driving the truck with the handicapable license plate.
One other side effect that wasn't entertaining was discovered at 4:49 this morning when the birds woke me up. I sort of had to tinkle (as least it felt like that), so I got up to use the now unstopped toilet. I stood in front of the can. And I stood...and I stood...and I stood. I started thinking about how I'm going to be a stallion with these new drugs. Apparently taking a whiz is going to be an ordeal as well.
Oh well. The things I do so I can be nice to others.
I'm still dragging ass in the mornings. Once I wake up, it's really hard to fall back asleep so I just toss and turn and think of all the shit I need to do. I'm pretty sure the happy pills are supposed to combat that, but right now, the anxiety is winning the battle. Sometimes I do fall back asleep, but them I'm just wasted when I get up.
My temperament I think is improving. Last night I should have killed Hayden a couple times, but I kept my hands to myself, and don't even recall yelling. I might have raised my voice, but no yelling and no beating. Baby steps.
Later in the evening, there was another f-bomb or two that flew out of my mouth, but again, not from anger. I was more scared than anything. I'm not sure what I was doing, but in the master bathroom area, I heard this sound, it can only be described as some guy motor-boating his large chested lady friend. I looked around and my wife was across the room and fully clothed, so that wasn't it. I searched for the sound and saw this wasp that was the size of a large bird and had markings like freaking Darth Maul from the Star Wars movie.
When he flapped his wings, the house shook. He was up by a light bulb and I really thought he was going to break it with those large wings of his. I took a towel and tried to beat his ass with it, but the towel just bounced off. One time I caught him off guard and took his big ass down to the ground. At this point, Porter the cat came in to help. I tried to get her out of the way because I was afraid this waspadactyl would carry her off for a late meal. Jennifer kept yelling at me to just grab it, but it was bigger than I was so I just ran around the room trying to protect myself.
Eventually I landed a few more blows with the towel and stunned him. I grabbed a Kleenex and went in for the kill. I had him but he came out of his funk and tried to fly away. My whole hand shook as he broke free. Again, I ran around the room screaming like a little girl trying to save myself, leaving the cat and my wife to fend for themselves. Apparently, another side effect of the happy pills is self-preservation.
Finally I grew tired of Jennifer (hiding under the covers) yelling at me to grow a pair and kill the thing. I went at the thing one more time, beating anything that moved with the towel. Finally I subdued this waspadactyl beast and sent him to a watery grave in the toilet. The waspadactyl had the last laugh, however, as after flushing, the can was partially stopped up.
It should be noted that despite my happy pills, I was dropping f-bombs during this intense battle for life. I'm not proud of it, but I had to defend my man-card in front of my wife and cat.
I'm at work now and despite passing new road construction on North Green River Road (isn't this basically a new road that took 4 years to finish), I don't recall any road rage...even when I passed the dead guy driving the truck with the handicapable license plate.
One other side effect that wasn't entertaining was discovered at 4:49 this morning when the birds woke me up. I sort of had to tinkle (as least it felt like that), so I got up to use the now unstopped toilet. I stood in front of the can. And I stood...and I stood...and I stood. I started thinking about how I'm going to be a stallion with these new drugs. Apparently taking a whiz is going to be an ordeal as well.
Oh well. The things I do so I can be nice to others.
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