This is one of the two funniest things I've ever read. I already know what happens as I've read it dozens of times and I still had tears in my eyes this morning.
Enjoy.
P.S. I copied and pasted from my e-mail, so the formatting looks like shit. I apologize, but it's so worth it.
> > > > Subject: Chili Cookoff
> > > >
> > > > If you can read the whole story without tears of
> > > > laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope
> > > > for you.
> > > >
> > > > NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
> > > > attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> > > > third is even better.
> > > >
> > > > For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
> > > > true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about
> > > > the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
> > > > portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
> > > > are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
> > > > was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
> > > >
> > > > "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
> > > > chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
> > > > the last moment and I happened to be standing there at
> > > > the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
> > > > truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> > > > two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
> > > > all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
> > > > free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. "Here are
> > > > the scorecards from the event:
> > > >
> > > > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
> > > > kick.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this
> > > > stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
> > > > Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
> > > > the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> > > >
> > > > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
> > > > tang.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
> > > > be taken seriously.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm
> > > > not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had
> > > > to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
> > > > Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
> > > > they saw the look on my face.
> > > >
> > > > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> > > > Needs more beans.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
> > > > peppers
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
> > > > My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
> > > > knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
> > > > ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
> > > > is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
> > > > from all of the beer.
> > > >
> > > > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> > > > Disappointing.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
> > > > dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
> > > > but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
> > > > taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
> > > > with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
> > > > look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
> > > > chili an aphrodisiac?
> > > >
> > > > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> > > > freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
> > > > impressive.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
> > > > tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
> > > > statement.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
> > > > my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
> > > > and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
> > > > contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> > > > had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> > > > bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
> > > > pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
> > > > pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> > > > screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> > > >
> > > > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> > > > Good balance of spices and peppers.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> > > > onions, and garlic. Superb.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
> > > > filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself
> > > > when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
> > > > chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> > > > that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
> > > > Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
> > > > snow cone.
> > > >
> > > > Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
> > > > canned peppers.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> > > > threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
> > > > should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
> > > > appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> > > > uncontrollably.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
> > > > the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in
> > > > one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
> > > > water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slide
> > > > unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
> > > > like shit to match my shirt. At least during the
> > > > autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
> > > > stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not
> > > > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
> > > > it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> > > >
> > > > Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
> > > > chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
> > > > existence.
> > > >
> > > > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili.
> > > > Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
> > > > lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
> > > > chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
> > > > going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have
> > > > reacted to really hot chili.
> > > >
> > > >At least something funny came out of Texas :) hope you enjoy the
laugh
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